Re-filling the cup
February has been a quiet month on the work front, so I’ve come away for a few days to Aldeburgh for a self-imposed creative retreat. I’ve been writing, improvising, practising, learning, reading, sleeping, eating fish and chips and too much cake, and going on long walks with the dog on the beach and through the marshes. In some ways it feels wildly self-indulgent, but it’s also crucial, actually, to refill the tank when the possibility is there, for all of us.
I’ve also had the chance to re-grapple with my work under the ‘Develop your Creative Practice’ grant I received from the Arts Council last spring. The title of my project is ‘Reclaiming my artistic voice’, and it’s so interesting how it’s unfolded completely differently to how I expected. In some ways I’m hopelessly ‘behind’ (about 3 months behind with some elements of it, in fact). But in other ways, I’m so far ahead of where I thought I might end up. I’d imagined that I would spend a few months finding and then learning and then performing / recording some new repertoire, job done. Turns out, it’s so much more complex and exciting than that. I’ve been working with a new singing teacher, who is helping me uncover things in my voice as an instrument I never thought were there. Exciting, yes, but also scary as it means I also need to work out what to do with these new possibilities. Can they exist alongside the old practice? Is there space, both mentally and practically to hold onto everything, or do I need to discard some of the old to make space for the new? And more than that, do I dare to truly step into these new possibilities? I hope so. It’s still work in progress, and I’ve realised I’m going to need some more support with moving past the imposter syndrome monster oh so helpfully standing guard at the gates at the moment. I see you, monster, and when I’m feeling brave enough, I fart in your general direction. Let’s call these monsters out for the silly, cartoon baddies they are.
I don’t suppose any of this is particularly special to me, but I don’t think we’re nearly as open as we could be as artists about our struggles with balancing earning a living with creative risk-taking and development, or about how imposter syndrome can hold us back or cripple us with procrastination. Hoping, as ever, that naming it and putting it out into the world might just help to shift the conversation on a little.
Next week is the first of the Hatch events I’ve been planning with Suzie Purkis, bringing together professional singers working with contemporary repertoire to workshop, feed back, connect. We’re going to be a small crew, but I’m so excited to see what happens when we get into that space where experimentation, imperfection, peer to peer support and encouragement are the order of the day, not the perfection expected atmosphere of the concert hall. I’ll report back once we’ve met. Watch this space.